Add It Up

"I will look at this award as...undeniable proof that I'm a bad-ass motherfucker."
--Jim Carrey

Yup.  Give me two consecutive full houses.   Let me stack up six final table eliminations.  Keep Marky Mark, Georgey George and Cubey Cube at home while I get three kings heads-up.  A win this week for two this month for four in under three weeks and six all year.

You think "Abandon Chips All Ye Who Enter Here" is too verbose a poker nickname?

the Cardigans[IRON MAN]

Yes, I Am Having A Good Friday Barometer

I'm really going to be bringing the video content on this one since KRS-One needs it for oh so very many things. Seriously, though, you 56k-using dial-up AOL.com e-mail having pranksters may want to join us in the 21st century and skip this go-round. As for the rest of y'all--

REGULAAAAAAATORS! Mount up!

ALBA: Mmm-MMM, this week has been freedomtastic. With the rest of the family going to the chick ball final four I have had the house to myself. You'd be surprised to find this out, but it turns out my family and the lack of money are the cause of all the lack-of-female stress in my life. Give me my tax return at the speed of light and autonomy? It turns out I can get around 30, almost 60, and sometimes 90 minutes of writing done a day while buffering it with practicing poker, keeping up on podcasts, wallowing in my own crapulence, and laughing as the creditors dial the house phone as the same time as my cell and I ignore both. I'll be broke by Monday giving them a little cash and paying off old rent, but that should settle my equilibrium.

Cheney: Why do I have to write the Friday Barometer with Firefox every week? It's like Opera has a thing against the content I bring specificially for FBs. Some Ghost in the Machine shit going on, I swears.

Cheney: And how the hell did I get a cold in this, the best of all possible times?

ALBA: Quality speakers for $20. First time I have the new tower alongside actual audio. Life is good.

ALBA: BundchenBundchenBundchen! It's fun to say and a million more times more fun to look at. Of course, thinking about things has sent me down a Lewis Black path that should be killing me in the course of the next week, but it's a fine way to go. Questions that need to be answered, if you ask me--how does she have 3 other sisters with no brothers, b) how is the Victoria's Secret supermodel not automatically the hottie of the family, c) what are the odds of having 6 girls, c.5) let alone six hawwwwwwwwwwwt ones, 4) how much of your soul would you give up to walk in that house with your best friend, look around at the Bundchens at the pool, poke him in the shoulder and go "I'll dive on the grenade here"?, e) is this the first time in recorded history you would push your family in traffic to dive on the grenade?

And right before I passed out in a pool of my own DNA and sweat, I remember thinking "If it weren't for my horse..."

Cheney: Tom Brady. Seriously, motherFUCK him.

ALBA: "So, about 10 years ago we're in London riding in an original Edsel, and then we got to go all the way to the left side of the road. We're in Great England, is why! And all of a sudden Brasky goes, 'Did that rich bitch in the limo just cut us off?!' and I look ahead and I see this logo for the royal family, so I say to Brasky, 'Bill! It's Princess Diana!' And Brasky stares a hole from me--which healed in 4 months--and he says to me, 'You mean was Princess Diana.' The next thing I know I'm flying through a windshield wondering if my passport just fell out my pants. I can tell that story now because the statue of limitations has expired."

ALBA: Grindhouse. Just assuming. Now if there was only a way they could get cheap, awesome publicity and blow KMB's heart out his chest...naaaaaaaaaaah...

ALBA: In one of the greatest parodies of all time, Alanis will have you spending all your money on her, and spending time on her--her jiggling...it's oddly hypnotic...like a lava lamp...



ALBA: As the alleged table-setter the rest of the world takes their cues from, why the hell does our TV suck so much? Mexican TV owns us, and Brazilian TV owns everybody. Exhibit A.



And the defense motherfucking rests, because it's feeling oddly sleepy now.

ALBA: For everybody I'm dragging into the mashup world, Ramdom Thoughts brings an hour of bastard pop sweetness a week. And they shout me out in episode #50, which in no way, shape, or form influenced their position in this site. *cough*

ALBA: Girl Talk may not be the best DJ alive, but nobody's better. Almost an hour of phenaweomnal goddamn Gregg Gillis power, from his live New Year's Eve show in Chicago. There are singalongs from Tom Petty AND Tag Team. Paula Cole makes a 12-second appearance. Even the lowlight with the drunken moron screaming "GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" for the minute it's on is immediately assuaged with Jermaine Stewart. You read me right, Aaron. Jermaine Stewart. Anyhow, if I got to sell you on him after this, find yourself a new friend.



ALBA: San Diego's new mashup night is tomorrow night and thanks to his tireless grassroots promotional efforts certain people you know, love--well, tolerate and even take blog ideas from is getting a half-hour of requests to make heads turn, necks bruise, ears perks, and booties to decrease in horizontalality as if the surface is heated. I've been saying for months I'm going to throw it all away to become a DJ...and I might.

Cheney: Trying to narrow it down to 8 songs and a half-hour's worth of stuff when I have 200 songs and 12.4 hours worth.

ALBA: Libby had a few suggestions as I dropped a few of my favorites--stuff in the final pile of 30 that may make the cut and she's a fan of the Montell Jordan/GnR headbanger "This Is How We Do It In The Jungle" and the Most Evil And Wrong Song In the History Of Mankind That's Still Listenable, nin and Ace of Base bring together a rape baby in "She Wants Animals". I'm going with the fine folks at Uncast so you should have some pictures and I'll let y'all know how it goes.

"At Which Point Did You Realize You Were The Chosen One?"

I need to forget about everything I hold dear in this town, in this county, in this state, pack my meager belongings the fuck up, and get to Vegas.

Now.

This would be an awesome April Fool's joke, except it's about half an hour into day 2 of April.

It turns out, it's very easy to win also when it comes to heads-up post-river showdowns, if you go 14 out of 15 before the end.

It also turns out when people go all-in and don't make their flush draws, or their high pair is dwarfed by your pocket Kings, that that also assists in busting the last two people who aren't you and adding to what Junior M.A.F.I.A. so eloquently called "fuck bitches, get money".

So to update from the last time, this makes it three tournament wins and a cash payoff in 11 days for the fifth win of the year.

Yeah, I may be halfway decent.

Only one way to really celebrate this--

Y Mi Palabra Es La Ley

To anybody I offend in the the following 76-minute podcast: from the bottom of my heart, y'all can eat this dick.

Tres Delinquentes Deliquent Habits

No Lie. You Know I'm...

You'd be surprised how easy it is to win heads-up with 4 Aces in one hand and runner-runner making Broadway in the next.

Two tournaments in 8 days, the fourth of the year. Somebody is in fucking troub-le Saturday, that's alls I know. Oh, right--

BALLIN'!

Supersong 2 Party Ben + J.J. Fad + Blur (unreleased)

Now THAT'S What I'm TALKING ABOUT!

Hell yes I wrote two chapters. Hell yes I did the template change I wanted last month in 3 minutes. Oh, I'm ready for it. C'mon. Bring it.

Last Dance With Dani California = Party Ben + Red Hot Chili Peppers + Tom Petty

And The Friday Barometer's Heart Expanded Three Times That Day

Leaving aside the guy who was just interested enough in the digicam to make an appointment and then completely blow it off, today is a fine, fine day.

Thirdly, my friends are SROing the birthday party next week. Some cute girls, too.

Let us pray.

Secondly, milling around downtown, I met Ryan Hansen. THE Dick Casablancas.

Yes, again. See?


SHOCKER! They were filming at a college, and it turns out Ryan is very impressed with my Brooke Burke wallpaper. The one worrying thing is the look on his face when I revealed I was the guy who got his arm signed. I can only wonder what stories have been told on set. Tragically, I was so overcome by the moment that I forgot to invite the cast to my birthday party. Now that would've been a damn scene and a half.

And ultimately I got home from all of that to find out KS & Rob tag teamed back again to get me the iPod of my dreams. Even if my brother beat me to it by a few weeks, it's par excellence, as the French would say. So I have to figure it out before I get some belts at the bar and hit the casino and decide if I'm going to hit the club for free tomorrow night the week before the real partay or not.

MAN.

Like the kid in Almost Famous said: it's all happening.

Welcome to Jamrock Damian "Jr. Gong" Marley

Resolution: Build A Shrine To My Own Bad Ass

Only a 250 buy-in.

Only 90 competitors.

Only my second tournament win in 2 weeks.

Now if only I hadn't spent half the final table and then some looking, I could find the exact link to this week's Spank Bank CFO picture...

...I guess it's good I can't do it all yet.

I Fought The Law the Clash cover

Validation!

I entered the same type of tournament my modem bounced me from last night. 360 entered with the hopes of advancing to Round 2, to eventually get on TV and $25,000.

Results with a functioning modem?

Here's my PBP of the final table (even 9th out of 360 would've been worth it...ish):

I doubled up a guy when he made a straight on the river as I made Kings up, Queens down. Bounce somebody to get to 2nd. Bounce somebody else. First place.

We get down to 6 and he ups himself through me again. Still in the lead until he bounces a guy.

Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiif.

He makes a full house to beat a straight and two pair.

THREE.

We've got about 85k each, he's got about 400k with the double homicide.

Set of fives take me to 115.

Wired 9s to get to 180.

They fold, wasting my pocket Queens. I swear to give their children lymphoma.

7s and 8s to get me to 215.

Queen-high straight. 235.

I am feeling it, Evel.

I have 75suit. 3 overcards. Don't matter--high pair. 255.

If my 6s...and the board pairs 9s...280...I feel fine...

Fold my 9s and 5s. Down to 220. He had a full damn house. GFL #5, at least. In retrospect, I have just made the most important play of the tournament. By losing.

Siphon off the small stack, 240.

6Aoff.

Flop is K.

SIX.

SIX.

Then there are 2.

272 (me) - 267 (him who has had my number twice, other than the last GFL).

Ooh.

One hand, with my KAoff.

He has fives.

Eight.

Eight.

Two.

ACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Some three hours and change later, I got myself my first-ever first place tournament finish. 359 and the Dark Horse rode past alllllll their asses!

Tell Kataneh to bring it on.

And after that we can play some poker.

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is Jet (this thing is sentient)

Sacre Blue!

OVERTHROW

THAT

SHIT

I believe I will be marking the invitation BYOB for bring your own BOOYAH! Now do I keep him on the Dead To Me list since the psuedorreroists have taken care of it already, or...



BYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH~!

Unconditional the Bravery