Add It Up

"I will look at this award as...undeniable proof that I'm a bad-ass motherfucker."
--Jim Carrey

Yup.  Give me two consecutive full houses.   Let me stack up six final table eliminations.  Keep Marky Mark, Georgey George and Cubey Cube at home while I get three kings heads-up.  A win this week for two this month for four in under three weeks and six all year.

You think "Abandon Chips All Ye Who Enter Here" is too verbose a poker nickname?

the Cardigans[IRON MAN]

Yes, I Am Having A Good Friday Barometer

I'm really going to be bringing the video content on this one since KRS-One needs it for oh so very many things. Seriously, though, you 56k-using dial-up AOL.com e-mail having pranksters may want to join us in the 21st century and skip this go-round. As for the rest of y'all--

REGULAAAAAAATORS! Mount up!

ALBA: Mmm-MMM, this week has been freedomtastic. With the rest of the family going to the chick ball final four I have had the house to myself. You'd be surprised to find this out, but it turns out my family and the lack of money are the cause of all the lack-of-female stress in my life. Give me my tax return at the speed of light and autonomy? It turns out I can get around 30, almost 60, and sometimes 90 minutes of writing done a day while buffering it with practicing poker, keeping up on podcasts, wallowing in my own crapulence, and laughing as the creditors dial the house phone as the same time as my cell and I ignore both. I'll be broke by Monday giving them a little cash and paying off old rent, but that should settle my equilibrium.

Cheney: Why do I have to write the Friday Barometer with Firefox every week? It's like Opera has a thing against the content I bring specificially for FBs. Some Ghost in the Machine shit going on, I swears.

Cheney: And how the hell did I get a cold in this, the best of all possible times?

ALBA: Quality speakers for $20. First time I have the new tower alongside actual audio. Life is good.

ALBA: BundchenBundchenBundchen! It's fun to say and a million more times more fun to look at. Of course, thinking about things has sent me down a Lewis Black path that should be killing me in the course of the next week, but it's a fine way to go. Questions that need to be answered, if you ask me--how does she have 3 other sisters with no brothers, b) how is the Victoria's Secret supermodel not automatically the hottie of the family, c) what are the odds of having 6 girls, c.5) let alone six hawwwwwwwwwwwt ones, 4) how much of your soul would you give up to walk in that house with your best friend, look around at the Bundchens at the pool, poke him in the shoulder and go "I'll dive on the grenade here"?, e) is this the first time in recorded history you would push your family in traffic to dive on the grenade?

And right before I passed out in a pool of my own DNA and sweat, I remember thinking "If it weren't for my horse..."

Cheney: Tom Brady. Seriously, motherFUCK him.

ALBA: "So, about 10 years ago we're in London riding in an original Edsel, and then we got to go all the way to the left side of the road. We're in Great England, is why! And all of a sudden Brasky goes, 'Did that rich bitch in the limo just cut us off?!' and I look ahead and I see this logo for the royal family, so I say to Brasky, 'Bill! It's Princess Diana!' And Brasky stares a hole from me--which healed in 4 months--and he says to me, 'You mean was Princess Diana.' The next thing I know I'm flying through a windshield wondering if my passport just fell out my pants. I can tell that story now because the statue of limitations has expired."

ALBA: Grindhouse. Just assuming. Now if there was only a way they could get cheap, awesome publicity and blow KMB's heart out his chest...naaaaaaaaaaah...

ALBA: In one of the greatest parodies of all time, Alanis will have you spending all your money on her, and spending time on her--her jiggling...it's oddly hypnotic...like a lava lamp...



ALBA: As the alleged table-setter the rest of the world takes their cues from, why the hell does our TV suck so much? Mexican TV owns us, and Brazilian TV owns everybody. Exhibit A.



And the defense motherfucking rests, because it's feeling oddly sleepy now.

ALBA: For everybody I'm dragging into the mashup world, Ramdom Thoughts brings an hour of bastard pop sweetness a week. And they shout me out in episode #50, which in no way, shape, or form influenced their position in this site. *cough*

ALBA: Girl Talk may not be the best DJ alive, but nobody's better. Almost an hour of phenaweomnal goddamn Gregg Gillis power, from his live New Year's Eve show in Chicago. There are singalongs from Tom Petty AND Tag Team. Paula Cole makes a 12-second appearance. Even the lowlight with the drunken moron screaming "GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" for the minute it's on is immediately assuaged with Jermaine Stewart. You read me right, Aaron. Jermaine Stewart. Anyhow, if I got to sell you on him after this, find yourself a new friend.



ALBA: San Diego's new mashup night is tomorrow night and thanks to his tireless grassroots promotional efforts certain people you know, love--well, tolerate and even take blog ideas from is getting a half-hour of requests to make heads turn, necks bruise, ears perks, and booties to decrease in horizontalality as if the surface is heated. I've been saying for months I'm going to throw it all away to become a DJ...and I might.

Cheney: Trying to narrow it down to 8 songs and a half-hour's worth of stuff when I have 200 songs and 12.4 hours worth.

ALBA: Libby had a few suggestions as I dropped a few of my favorites--stuff in the final pile of 30 that may make the cut and she's a fan of the Montell Jordan/GnR headbanger "This Is How We Do It In The Jungle" and the Most Evil And Wrong Song In the History Of Mankind That's Still Listenable, nin and Ace of Base bring together a rape baby in "She Wants Animals". I'm going with the fine folks at Uncast so you should have some pictures and I'll let y'all know how it goes.

Impervious To Bullets, But Keep Her Highness Away, Please

So it's down to heads-up as I go for another tournament win.  Trust me, you bust a guy with runner-runner to make a straight with your 58off, you start feeling good.

I've got K6 off.

Flop has a King.

All-in.

My opponent had Siegfried & Roy (pocket Queens).

I am 2 cards away from winning tournament #4 in a fortnight.

One card away.

Freddy Goddamn Mercury, and I'm out in 2nd.  

Pwamp.

ADDENDUM: 2 seconds in 12 hours.   This is officially a fuck.

DJ AM[A.D.D. Mix II]

"At Which Point Did You Realize You Were The Chosen One?"

I need to forget about everything I hold dear in this town, in this county, in this state, pack my meager belongings the fuck up, and get to Vegas.

Now.

This would be an awesome April Fool's joke, except it's about half an hour into day 2 of April.

It turns out, it's very easy to win also when it comes to heads-up post-river showdowns, if you go 14 out of 15 before the end.

It also turns out when people go all-in and don't make their flush draws, or their high pair is dwarfed by your pocket Kings, that that also assists in busting the last two people who aren't you and adding to what Junior M.A.F.I.A. so eloquently called "fuck bitches, get money".

So to update from the last time, this makes it three tournament wins and a cash payoff in 11 days for the fifth win of the year.

Yeah, I may be halfway decent.

Only one way to really celebrate this--

You Don't Need To Follow Baseball To Know Cards

Around this time last year--possibly '05, I can't be arsed to remember at this point--Topps released a very limited edition poker set with NBA legends, rookies, and current all-stars. While I didn't have enough to cop the whole set I did have the pocket change to score a George Gervin for my dad and a Clyde Frazier for myself.

Last time I lost in a cash game for the first time since I started playing. I'm usually not superstitious. But then tonight happened, and I'm not so sure.

Clyde ran his undefeated streak to seven or eight with some muhfuggin AUTHORITAH behind it, as I quadrupled up off of my original buy-in to make $40 in my second-biggest profit ever.

Let me amend: I'm usually not superstitious, except when it comes to poker 8x in a row.

There weren't any spectacular plays on my part, and I'm sorry to say for those of you who try to following my quote/unquote career I don't remember a lot of hands. (Mainly just the all-in two pair against my unbeatable nut Ace-high flush.) I played loose-passive, but I'm proud because my original plan was loose-aggressive and then when I got out ahead of the pack I managed to slow myself down and get some straights and flushes on lackluster hands I usually don't fuck with. After that, it was just a big fat hurry up and wait.

Add this with all the freedom, the brand new speakers that work, and my tax refund coming in? Yeah, today rocked the house.

Bring April to me, and I will make it kneel.

Especially if she's pretty.

Son Of A Preacher Man Dusty Springfield

Y Mi Palabra Es La Ley

To anybody I offend in the the following 76-minute podcast: from the bottom of my heart, y'all can eat this dick.

Tres Delinquentes Deliquent Habits

No Lie. You Know I'm...

You'd be surprised how easy it is to win heads-up with 4 Aces in one hand and runner-runner making Broadway in the next.

Two tournaments in 8 days, the fourth of the year. Somebody is in fucking troub-le Saturday, that's alls I know. Oh, right--

BALLIN'!

Supersong 2 Party Ben + J.J. Fad + Blur (unreleased)

This Friday Barometer Is Sponsored By Dunder-Mifflin

ALBA: I think my trip through the poker desert is over, at least today and probably tomorrow, too. I've played about 12 times this week--11th, 5th, 2nd yesterday, the win earlier this week. I am really proud of my play advancing almost to the point where I usually get busted by getting outdrawn (i.e., getting my money in with the best hand and the giddy fickle middle finger of fate coming into play and rarely getting trumped by the three, two, or single hand(s) they might have that can beat me, in which case I say "nh" and go "Well, the odds on that were pretty small. That's poker." I've been laying down two pairs and outdrawn three of a kinds recently, and that is some hard shit to get away from. I think something not noted about the proliferation of Tex on TV is that it gives so many myriad options to improve if not wholly overhaul whatever your style is, and you can pick and choose what you're going to take from the best players in the world. Old me was just getting lucky, more or less; me now is actually a good player. Great is way too egotistical for even me to believe at this point, but I definitely feel like I'm...I dunno, like 85th percentile or something. I suppose we'll find out next Saturday night.

GONZALEZ: Heard back from the unemployment office; turns out that firing was justifiable and I won't be getting the 90 bucks a week. (bitterly) Thank you, President Ford.

ALBA: there was that night that we thought that John Berryman could fly/but he didn't so he died... I am sooo close to renaming the blog a line from that song. Lazy Undisciplined Sleeping Late, mayhaps?

ALBA: Guess who's rocking the 2nd Uncast Sunday? Oh, yeah. You should get the first since Danny and Vicki did an actual debut that didn't blow chunks in the least, and if you don't know, now ya learnin'. It should be going up late Sunday/early Monday.

ALBA: San Diego is getting its own sort of bootleg Bootie all-mashup songs night club starting on the 7th, and you wouldn't believe who's in some early talks thanks to online forums about helping with the playlist. Then again, you are here. Maybe you would.

ALBA: You seen Sideshow Bob's sister on the Idle? Oh, I would chutney in those mangos...ya feel me? Ya feel me?! Ahhh, ya feel me.

GONZALEZ: I cannot stay asleep past 9 a.m. anymore--we're living odd because the apartment across from us is empty and getting shown. That living room shares a common wall with my bedroom. The one above from us had some sort of infestation and/or moveout, so upstairs they are banging and moving shit around on our roof.

ALBA: The novel (which at this point is still somehow unnamed, since I am beginning to sour on calling it Spin Spin Sugar given it's more hip-hop than whatever the fuck pointless label you'd like to assign the original Sneaker Pimps) is writing itself, at least for the next few scenes. It's excellent how new ideas present themselves as I write. When you wait for The Muse to come along, it's part of the feast or famine mentality. KRS-One feels me on this; maybe Libby, too. When it's not working it feels like It Will Never Work Again but when it does you become less "I'm writing a story" and more like court stenography.

ALBA: Watching the Bush-helmed chain of fools come apart is making for some especially awesome Daily Shows, Repors and Countdowns. Anybody else see the palpable sexual tension between Katie Couric and Stephen last night? Is it wrong I find Katie Couric attractive?

uhh: So I was writing the other day and this blonde sits across from me, which is usually good but she's too hot for Brittany. This is also usually good but since I am trying to be Serious Writer it's a problem. (The old brain-vs-penis chess game, y'understand?) And then the sweater comes off and holy Roger and Zapp, More Bounce to the Ounce. The tank top is stru-guh-ling. I lasted about 20 minutes and then I had to get to another computer and focus, dammit.

ALBA: On Broadway, my former favorite place in town but now merely a contender to the throne, is having a fun localized MySpace party next Thursday. Should be great; one of my favorite mashup DJs, 20 localized hotties (including a couple I know, go fig), and, most importantly to Rob, an hour-and-a-half of a hosted vodka bar. No sin greater, no rapture more exquisite...(Homer drool sound)

GONZALEZ: Why were all my out-of-town friends more than willing to have free vodka with me at an awesome place packed with hot girls getting drunk St. Guinness Day and none of my local ones? Hmm.

ALBA: Will headline the new Cuarenta Caliente out tomorrow, and this will probably be discussed in the Uncast.

GONZALEZ: I am finding ways to be broke. I have a little, but since I assumed unemployment was coming I restarted my account to get a debit card. It's going through processing. Hopefully it'll get here in the next couple days so I can e-file the taxes and score the big return money. That'll let me pay off some of the rent I owe and harvest the rest.

ALBA: The family is leaving for the chickball Final Four next weekend, which is great on its own. But they're also going back home to the Burgh so I get a week FREE to wallow in my crapulence. #1: Write whenever I want. #2: Drink. #3: When in doubt, go back to #2. #4: Poker night next Saturday. #5: WrestleMania at Hooters! #6: #2--really good idea. #7: Make sure AA's still for quitters. #8: Also, writing.

Sixx Mixx 69 (recommended: Lumidee over Audioslave, the Doors block, and "Intergalactic" over the Veronica Mars theme) Party Ben

That's Why I've Done It Again

6 hours sleep in 2 days.

Wasn't a problem when my 2 pair beat top pair and second pair to force a showdown I had a 3:1 advantage in.

Wasn't a problem winning 80% of the heads-up, usually where I'm weakest.

Wasn't a problem flopping top pair when he went all-in with second pair.

3 months.

3 tournament wins.

Good heavens.   Could it be I'm getting no no no notorious?

This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race Fall Out Boy

A Two Word Philosophy Lesson

Start in 2nd, 23.5.  Leader at 43.  Two really small stacks right next to him at under 200, and of course he's after me.  JAoff.  Keep raising but the leader doesn't go away, which works fine when I get a Jack on the turn for two pair with the board.  Now I have the 47 and he has the 19 (who goes that nuts with case 6s facing a raise and a reraise?  Starting to think I can handle this table.)

Break.

I review the chip stacks and decide with this large a lead to only play premium hands and let some of the commoners kill each other in their rush to seize the castle.  It helps 2nd through 6th are seperated by only about 5k.

7th place goes all-in and gets called twice.  7th place is now 9th.

Now one of the baby stacks is in.   They get called twice.  They get 8th.

And it's the other baby stack's turn.  3 calls, including me with 10Qoff.  I don't like the flop and get out at minimum expense.  Baby stack had pocket Kings and gets crib death anyways (the former chip leader hung onto 23suit and then made trip doubles.)  7th.

Second place behind me has about 29k.  A fold.  J7 spades?  No.

98 spade?  Sure.  Raise it up, make it rain.  Table runs like the scared little bitches they are; finally a table that respects when the chip leader whips it out and swings it around!

Now it's 3rd-6th on about the same level.  So I hold off a bit longer.  

That takes two hands--hellooooooooo, Jacks!  Aw, you went all-in with JAoff?  Well, allow me to retort!  FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIF!

Up to 65, about 2.5x ahead of 2nd.  Mahvelous.

Second makes a flush to bounce a straight and get to 40.  Then there were 4.

I play K8off for a pre-flop raise.  They scurry.  2nd and the former chip leader keep going after each other, which goes fine by me.

A10off.  Two folds.  Big money raise time!  That's right, you fold.  Bitch.

Former chip leader takes 2nd back.  

Then first through me.  Huge raises with Jacks on the board and I only had 6s.   You would've thought I'd learned.  He's got 58, I'm at 44.  

He loses to Wayne, the former 2nd, to put HIM in the lead the next hand.

And then I get Anna Kournikova and a K26 flop to match.  Hi, chip lead!  Miss me?

Hi, MY HAND ACE QUEEN!  10-J-9 flop.  Last place beats my archrival, who is now in last.  The spread is 40k to about 25k, so every hand is something.

Somehow I get two pair out of Q6off to stretch the lead a little.

I decide to see a flop free with 98off and get a flop with an 8.  But a 10 too.  Check the King. River Jack means I fold my Aaron straight.

Raise with 9Q suit.  9s in the flop.  I take it down.

1) former last -- 37k
2) me -- 36
3) Wayne - 35
4) HIM - 25

9Asuit and big raise from the top 2.  782flop4turnand a queen on the river dooms me.  I had 1st until then.  Now Wayne & I are practically co-2nd.

Former last is up to 53 with the rest of us scrapping in the late 20s.

HE gets the best of Wayne, who drops to about 14.  HE gets up to 40.  I no longer can find a hand.

10Koff.  Nevermind.

And double nevermind.  Nothing comes except chip loss, to the leader at that.

4Ksuited in the blind?  What--two pair!  YAY!  A healthier 3rd at 28, I am.  And I stuck it to HIM.

Anna comes back to me.  Preflop raise for the duckets.

1) "Last" - 56
2) HIM - 36
3) Me - 29
4) Wayne - 12

J7suit and I push the button.  Everyone calls and the flop is daunting.  Wayne goes all-in and I don't call with my 2 pair.  Straight.  GFL.  Wayne to 30, HIM to 20.  Wayne over HIM again to 40.

A6.  Ace on the river.  I raise.  Leader is all in with AJ.

I'm down to two sixes.

And there one is!  How ABOUT that?

me -50   Wayne - 35  "Last" - 26  HIM - 15

Then HE leap frogs Wayne to get into 2nd.   More bad hands I play minimally, if at all.

Two calls with Q10suit.  Queens on the flop, suited JA after.  Eep.  There the lead went.

I tilt all-in with A10off.  They run.   It then occurs to me I'm still in 2nd.  Whoops.  Part bad beat, part screaming bladder, I suppose.  "Last" snatches the lead off HIM.  

This is hardcore.

Wayne doubles up into 2nd.  It took 3 hands from "Last" to first to last.  That hardcore.

I bluff with K7 off and take down a pot.  

"Last" is back in first, dogs and cats living together, MASS HYSTERIA!

I lose a winning hand--but "LAST" takes him out.

I'm last at 19, Wayne at 38, "Last" at 74.  I see an ace.  All-in.   Take the blinds.  Anna, all-in. More blinds.

All-in with high two pair.

Only one combination of two cards can beat me.  

They do.

That's poker.

Real Back Poppin' DJ Axel, "Got To Be Real", "Get It Poppin'", and "Lean Back"

Under Atmospheric Pressure...

ALBA: I love Australians. Even more so than usual.

ALBA: Since the Blogoogle switchover looking at the labels is almost as good as the posts sometimes.

MENCIA: Opera's being uppity, so I'm doing this out of Mozilla. I don't think there's that much of a difference, but it still seems off.

MENCIA: Why did my friend float the possibility of going to Mexico, getting drunk and lapdances tomorrow after I'd already made plans?

ALBA: iPod. Teacher. Mother. Secret lover.

ALBA: Rob floated me a little walking around cash.

ALBA: Finding more mashups. When they work, they work. Gary Numan + the Beatles. I may dedicate next weekend's Follow the Leader to a creme de la menthe list.

MENCIA: Getting shot down. I'm not exactly surprised given my lot in the world right now, but it would've been nice.

MENCIA: Actually lost at a home game Saturday for the first time in forever. Mere hours after the rejection, too. Apres moi, le deluge... I haven't posted a top 5 finish in a month. I keep coming between 13th and 25th, which was the original plan, and yet now that I'm here it sucks. So I'm in Must Always Win Mode. (Friends: As opposed to? Me: SHARRUP YOU MOUTH)

ALBA: Going to try to get back in the black tomorrow night.

ALBA: Had two consecutive excellent interviews with one of my top 5 clubs. It's a security position at a place I love where I've never seen a fight in the 12-17 odd times I've been there. Nice late start, too. Honestly, if I don't get this I don't know what I'm going to do. I might as well give up. I can't interview any better than I did. Even in the face of a ludicrously hot boss, I held serve.

MENCIA: The Rent Issue. Still. Where does one get $200 by the end of the month?

MENCIA: I owe about 3x what I thought I did bill-wise (forgot about other phone).

ALBA: Holy GOD was the Office awesome last night. Roy's meltdown was #1. #2 was Fancy New Beesley v2. #3 was "...or collapse in on myself like a dying star." I usually don't say this in the face of white-on-white crime but Roy is going to fuck that nigga Jim up...

MENCIA: In six weeks. Sad face.

ALBA: Well, the label says it all. Let's end this on an up note--









I Want To Take You Higher Sly and the Family Stone

Resolution: Build A Shrine To My Own Bad Ass

Only a 250 buy-in.

Only 90 competitors.

Only my second tournament win in 2 weeks.

Now if only I hadn't spent half the final table and then some looking, I could find the exact link to this week's Spank Bank CFO picture...

...I guess it's good I can't do it all yet.

I Fought The Law the Clash cover

Validation!

I entered the same type of tournament my modem bounced me from last night. 360 entered with the hopes of advancing to Round 2, to eventually get on TV and $25,000.

Results with a functioning modem?

Here's my PBP of the final table (even 9th out of 360 would've been worth it...ish):

I doubled up a guy when he made a straight on the river as I made Kings up, Queens down. Bounce somebody to get to 2nd. Bounce somebody else. First place.

We get down to 6 and he ups himself through me again. Still in the lead until he bounces a guy.

Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiif.

He makes a full house to beat a straight and two pair.

THREE.

We've got about 85k each, he's got about 400k with the double homicide.

Set of fives take me to 115.

Wired 9s to get to 180.

They fold, wasting my pocket Queens. I swear to give their children lymphoma.

7s and 8s to get me to 215.

Queen-high straight. 235.

I am feeling it, Evel.

I have 75suit. 3 overcards. Don't matter--high pair. 255.

If my 6s...and the board pairs 9s...280...I feel fine...

Fold my 9s and 5s. Down to 220. He had a full damn house. GFL #5, at least. In retrospect, I have just made the most important play of the tournament. By losing.

Siphon off the small stack, 240.

6Aoff.

Flop is K.

SIX.

SIX.

Then there are 2.

272 (me) - 267 (him who has had my number twice, other than the last GFL).

Ooh.

One hand, with my KAoff.

He has fives.

Eight.

Eight.

Two.

ACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Some three hours and change later, I got myself my first-ever first place tournament finish. 359 and the Dark Horse rode past alllllll their asses!

Tell Kataneh to bring it on.

And after that we can play some poker.

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is Jet (this thing is sentient)

Marathon Man

In one three-hour session at Full Tilt Poker, I amassed $50,075 off one $1,000 buy-in.

1) Imagine if I hadn't lost the last hand.
2) If only that was real money.

Bed. Now.

The Man Who Sold The World Nirvana unplugged covering David Bowie